The Pregnant Terrorist

One of my favorite things about my life is never knowing what kind of text or email I’m going to wake up to. Sometimes it’s a mucus plug, sometimes it’s a breastfeeding issue, a picture of a baby rash, etc. I never know what my phone will reveal before my first cup of coffee, and I love it. This morning it was a few texts from one of my pregnant besties. The story of how she had just been completely fondled by the TSA, trying to get on her flight for a work trip.

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I totally must have forgotten to brief her on “flying pregnant” protocol. My family and I travel a lot, so I wrote “When Babies Fly”, to humorously review traveling with kids. Today, the prequel, I bring you The Pregnant Terrorist.

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The 5 Stages of Summer Vacation

I don’t know about you guys, but I am knee deep in summer vacation. By summer vacation, I mean longer days, a messier house, more chores, and YES, bored children. I was totally looking forward to this “relaxed”, unscheduled, easy-breezy time with my sweet babes. Who can relate to these 5 stages of summer?

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  1. Excitement – usually occurs around April / May.  The feeling of freedom is so close you can almost taste it. No more rushed mornings, packing lunches and backpacks. No more outfit picking. Screw it, just wear what you had on yesterday. Three months of freedom from class parties and special school days. I’m not brushing your hair, I’m not even brushing my hair! Sweet, sweet summer, please hurry.

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Weird Shit Moms Say

Before I became a mother none of these phrases would have come out of my mouth. Well, maybe like one or two but definitely not one a regular basis. Now I say this shit every day, usually multiple times a day. Sometimes when I hear myself I think “what the fuck happened to my life?” I’m sure you moms and dads out there can relate. Here are my weirdest:

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Bad Influence Best Friend

I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m fine with that because I drink coffee anyway. I laugh too loud. I don’t understand boundaries, and I can be rather vulgar. With all that said, I believe everyone serves their purpose in this life.

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Save or Splurge- Maternity

In my opinion, one of the biggest struggles during pregnancy is what to wear. I personally HATED maternity clothes. Just because I’m knocked up doesn’t mean I want to wear ugly floral prints. I want to wear the same things I normally would. So, here’s the deal. Skip the mall. Those stores are expensive and they totally take advantage of how small every store’s maternity section is. I didn’t learn any of this stuff until I was almost through my second pregnancy, but here’s the deal.

SPLURGE:

Accessories- Now is the time to up your accessory game. The right accessories can totally transform your look. Play up your accessories, and keep your wardrobe basic. Also, your accessories will serve you long after your maternity jeans are in the trash.

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Leggings- Good leggings will serve you well my friend. Cheap leggings will bust at the seam and look worn quickly. A couple pair of black quality leggings will carry you through.

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The Battle of: HELL FLU

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Could someone please tell me what is going on this year? My children are sick way more than they are healthy. It’s like the cold, cough, flu thing is never going to leave my house. I literally Lysol until almost rendered unconscious. What’s the point? Why don’t we just re-name “pre-school”, breeding ground for every mild disease known to man-kind?

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EVERY damn day it’s a new e-mail from the school nurse. Sometimes they come in multiple times a day. So basically, even when my kids are not sick, I’m paranoid by the next looming virus. Paranoia no more my friends. My nightmare has become reality.

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Out of the Closet

I’ve been working on de-cluttering and organizing my life for the past few months. All the while singing the praise of my magical book. If you have had contact with me in the past 6 weeks or so, you’re probably sick to death of hearing about it. I don’t even care, I’m going to keep talking about it. The book has changed my life. Get the book!

 

I defiantly want to talk to you guys about my journey and how this book has changed my life. First, I want to show you results. This whole concept seemed so unrealistic to me, I actually became physically ill when asked to remove every last thing from my closet. The KonMari method starts with clothing. Probably because it is the least sentimental for most. Not me! My closet is my soul. Dressing myself, dressing others, it’s a part of who I am. The clothes that I keep just because they were gifts from buyers or designers. I earned them for doing my job well, just like a paycheck on a hanger baby. The picture is simple, it’s me on the floor of my walk in. An empty bottle of chardonnay in one hand, a vintage Vera Wang in the other. OK, it obvious I have real issues, but let’s move on to the before pictures.

My closet on any given day.

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