The 5 Stages of Summer Vacation

I don’t know about you guys, but I am knee deep in summer vacation. By summer vacation, I mean longer days, a messier house, more chores, and YES, bored children. I was totally looking forward to this “relaxed”, unscheduled, easy-breezy time with my sweet babes. Who can relate to these 5 stages of summer?

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  1. Excitement – usually occurs around April / May.  The feeling of freedom is so close you can almost taste it. No more rushed mornings, packing lunches and backpacks. No more outfit picking. Screw it, just wear what you had on yesterday. Three months of freedom from class parties and special school days. I’m not brushing your hair, I’m not even brushing my hair! Sweet, sweet summer, please hurry.

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Weird Shit Moms Say

Before I became a mother none of these phrases would have come out of my mouth. Well, maybe like one or two but definitely not one a regular basis. Now I say this shit every day, usually multiple times a day. Sometimes when I hear myself I think “what the fuck happened to my life?” I’m sure you moms and dads out there can relate. Here are my weirdest:

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5 Things Mom Lies About Daily

ARTWORK – Yes, I love it. Of course, I see exactly what it is. It’s wonderful, I’ll keep it forever. You are an amazing artist!

Truth is, with the exception of the uterus painting below, I’m usually very confused by my kid’s artwork. Yes, I love it, but like 50 paintings or color pages a week is too many too keep. I’m throwing most of it away once you go to sleep baby.

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Mom’s I just CAN’T with…

Here are a few mom’s I just can’t be friends with. I like meeting new people and I try to be kind to everyone. However, making “mom friends” is tough, even for the super social. I consider myself a “cut your losses” kind of lady. I approach a potential friend and say “Hi I’m Sarah, would you like to drink wine and bitch about our kids”? If the answer is no, that’s OK. I just like to know where I stand. Before I developed this intense screening process for potential friends, I met the ladies below. You may know some of these gals as well.

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I’m raising women here, OK?

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When I found out our first baby was a girl, I was thrilled. After almost two years of girl life, I wasn’t ready for that to be over. I silently hoped our second little bundle was a girl as well. Nothing made me happier than finding out I was going to be a girl mom again. Sure, I’ve had scary thoughts of teenage life with these two sweeties, but nothing could damper my happiness of raising girls. WRONG! O how wrong I was!

It’s not the drama, the attitude, the whining and crying. It’s the other girls. Apparently, we now live in some alternative universe where “mean girls” start in pre-school. Now, I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. I was prepared to counsel my girls through middle and high school bullying. BUT pre-school, are you F’ing kidding me? This isn’t going to be the post where I rant and rave about my daughter’s experiences with “mean girls”. This is the post where I make sure my daughter doesn’t turn into one.

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Birth Plan Breakdown

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I recently received a text from an expecting momma reading “soooo I don’t have a birth plan”. When I had my first babe almost 4 years ago birth plans seemed to be just emerging as mainstream. Now you can’t find a pregnancy checklist without the daunting “make a birth plan”, “review your birth plan”, “make multiple copies of your birth plan”, “plaster your birth plan to your vagina”.

So basically, if you don’t have a birth plan you are already a horrible mother. Which is why I had one of course. A birth plan so elaborate and decisive that it would be criminal for me not to share.

Sarah’s Birth Plan

#1. Give me the drugs.

#2. Give me my baby.

The End

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Who gives a shit about Decorative Pillows?

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I just need to vent about a few things really quick. I’m sure some of you guys can relate and some of you have much bigger problems, so my apologies in advance.

-First of all, my almost 4-year-old has been in pre-school for a full month now. That means for an entire month at least one person in my house has been sick at all times. There has yet to be one day when I don’t get snot smeared on my shirt.

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